204 More Days!

I'm 11 weeks today! Mostly excited because that means I'm almost through the first trimester. I'm looking forward to getting some energy back and feeling like myself again. The best thing ever is the arrival of THIS:

My Snoogle!

Getting comfortable at night is already an impossibility and I know as my tummy grows, it's only going to get harder.

(Tiny insight into the night of a pregnant lady: stayed up "late" and fell asleep by 10:30ish. Woke up at 3am to pee; also had an excruciating headache - so bad I took Tylenol, which I refrain from if at all possible. Then tossed & turned, trying not to wake my husband, for over an hour. Fell back to sleep after 4am. Only one pee break was a gift, I guess. I'm lucky to have such a sweet, understanding bedmate!)
This week we discovered I can't stand the smell of garlic. I still don't have the dreaded morning sickness so I sorta feel like I shouldn't complain about the symptoms I do have, but man! I basically feel like I was hit by a truck, all the time. Daily headaches on top of sheer exhaustion and a general 'blah' feeling. Sleeping is my best friend and difficult to get. Adam can testify to some SLIGHT;) moodiness as well.
But it truly is the best reason to feel like crap :)

We've started some baby steps (see what I did there?) towards getting ready for baby. I got some maternity clothes (!) (more on that later) and we opened a bank account for Lil Trout. My mom is trying to plan my baby shower already! Five more weeks until we find out boots or bows and we can't wait!

Ten Weeks!

Today marks 10weeks with Lil Trout :) On Monday, we had our first official OB appointment. Lots of education for Adam! ;) 

The highlight was obviously seeing our lil fishy (who totally waved at us) and hearing the heartbeat. 

I can't tell you how full my heart was hearing that with my wonderful sweet supportive husband squeezing my hand. It's starting to feel real! Seeing our teeny little baby wiggling around - there are no words. 

I'm still relatively symptom-free, with a few exceptions: totally exhausted, frequent killer headaches, super sensitive to smells, and while I actually can't eat as much as I could before (much to my husband's disappointment) I get queasy if I go hungry too long. Other than that, I feel pretty good - I am very much looking forward to that alleged second trimester energy burst though!

Now - too many weeks until we find out if Lil Trout is a boy or girl. It's anyone's guess! We have something special in store for that news :)

I've never been so happy, and that's saying a lot. Much love!

Bursting with Excitement!

2.15.15

I know I won't be publishing this for a few weeks but I am just so freaking excited!

LIL TROUT IS ON HER (or his) WAY!!!

It's been a long road - a story I may tell later. But we're finally here, with our little bun in the oven!

I painted my mom a wine glass that read "Grandma's Sippy Cup, est. Oct. 2015" and her reaction when she realized what we were telling her was epic. Priceless. The best thing ever! 

On my husband's mother's birthday, one of her presents will be a binky with a note attached asking her to save it for visits with her newest grandbaby. THEN we can tell the world! It will be sooner than the advised 12 weeks but after all we've been through, I can't wait that long!

I'm just over four weeks right now and the only symptom is insomnia! But that might be partly due to rambunctious kitties and sheer excitement. We'll be watching my hCG levels this week and scheduling an ultrasound soon - I can't wait till my baby's little heart starts beating. 

2.16.15

I had my second quant this morning an am anxiously awaiting the results! Working in obstetrics means I am all too familiar with the uncertainty in early pregnancy. I am trying my best to keep positive! Every night, my sweet husband talks to the baby and prays for his or her safe arrival into the world. 

Update: 727! That means my hCG has been doubling every two days which is exactly what's supposed to happen. I get checked again Wednesday and then we decide when my first ultrasound is - I'm pulling for next week. Once I see my lil Trout I'll feel so much better!

2.18.15

It's 4:30am and my darling kitties woke me up. So far I have very few pregnancy symptoms, the worst being sheer exhaustion and difficulty sleeping. But! Today marks five weeks, and Lil Trout will have a beating heart any day now! I am so excited for Adam to see and hear this. It's incredible to me every time I see it with a patient, and I still can't even believe *I* have a teeny tiny life inside me at this moment. I check all 9 of my pregnancy apps before email, Facebook, anything. Going to try to get some sleep before I head to the doctor for my final quant. This is all so exciting!

Wee Mail is one of the cutest apps, although less clinical than the others. 

My latest quant is perfect :) which means next week, ultrasound! It's a little early, 5w6d, but hopefully we'll be able to see Lil Trout's little heartbeat. We are so excited and overjoyed! It hasn't quite sunk in just yet…

2.19.15

It may not have sunk in, but my body knows. I feel like crap! I'm exhausted and have some sort of cold I can't kick. Add in the headaches and dizzy spells. Hoping I'm one of the lucky ones to bypass morning sickness. 

2.21.15

So far no morning sickness! Maybe it will never come. Headaches under control too. Lack of symptoms is actually worse though. I'm so scared because I'm well aware of what can go wrong and how often it happens. Two and a half days until our first ultrasound and I might die waiting! Tomorrow Adam and I are heading back to the city for a Flyers game so hopefully the distraction works! 

Prayers for Lil Trout.

2.22.15

Two more sleeps until our first ultrasound! I don't know how I'm going to keep this quiet - we're planning on telling his family at his mother's birthday dinner in two weeks and actually announcing on St. Patrick's Day (I got the cutest reveal shirt!) I just can't wait!!!

2.23.15

Our ultrasound is in less than 12 hours and to put it mildly - I am freaking out! It could be too early to see anything and all the clinical logic in the world won't stop me from being devastated. Or we could see twins and I might faint! I'm so exhausted all the time, I sure do wish I could sleep easily right now…

2.24.15

WE SAW HER! Our lil trout is in my belly and her little heart is beating at 108 bpm. She's measuring perfect at 5w6d and we go back in two weeks for another scan. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I'm finally pregnant!

2.25.15

Can I just fast forward a few weeks? I'm so paranoid of every symptom, lack of symptom, belly cramp, everything! Stick, lol trout! We love you so much already. 

2.27.15

Every day that passes without the dreaded morning sickness is a very worrisome little blessing! I'm sneaking in a scan at work next week to make sure everything is ok before we tell Adam's family. Then we have our second official ultrasound and begin regular prenatal care! I'm still in shock. 

3.1.15

It's March! That means it's BABY ANNOUNCEMENT MONTH! St. Patrick's Day is going to be so special this year :) Next weekend is when we're telling Adam's mother; I'm sneaking in an "unofficial" ultrasound this week just to make sure things still look good. I'm SO excited :)))

3.4.15

Peeked at lil Trout again today :) looking good! It's amazing how much changed in a week! See for yourself…

3.6.15

Peeked at lil trout again today because I'm neurotic. All is well! Tomorrow we're telling Adam's family and soon, everyone!

3.9.25

So we told Adam's family this weekend. Pretty darn cute if I may say so myself!

Tomorrow we have another scan and then I'm officially an OB patient. Can't wait to actually see AND hear lil trout's heartbeat. Still feeling good, too - no morning sickness for this girl!

3.10.15

Today went great! Lil Trout is perfect. Heart rate at 175 :) I'm still feeling pretty good, except EXHAUSTED. Like, sit-down-to-dry-my-hair exhausted. Today I came home from work to the sweetest surprise from my hubby - who, by the way, is the most amazing man in the world. 

Lil Trout is already so loved. We feel blessed beyond belief. 

3.14.25

We can't wait any longer. Our family & close friends know; tomorrow it's going viral!

We can't contain our excitement any longer! HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY ALL!!!

3.15.15

The cat's out of the bag, time to hit publish! CHEERS!

Kickin It Old School

The family is one of nature's masterpieces. - George Santayana

Despite all the insanity in my early (ok, and mid) twenties, I've always been old-fashioned. My jokes about wishing I was "barefoot pregnant and in the kitchen" weren't actually jokes. I'm so enamored with motherhood I literally chose it for a career.
That being said, I NEVER wanted to have a child with someone I wasn't married to. Sad that at 26, people seemed surprised that I didn't have any children, despite my unmarried status. An employer (a hypocritical Christian attorney with 7 kids and a penchant for kissing his associate after too many drinks but I digress) once asked me why I didn't have any kids and my answer was, "I want a father and husband, not a baby daddy." I somehow impressed him with that answer.

It's an unpopular opinion these days. Suddenly I'm 'judging single moms' and 'pissed off I don't have kids.' Calm your britches, ladies. What's so wrong with believing in the traditional family structure? What's wrong with believing people should be adult enough to make a commitment to each other before they commit to bringing a life into this world and raising him or her together?

If we hear a 20 year old girl is having a baby, we might agree she's irresponsible but then we congratulate her, throw her a baby shower and don't think twice. Babies are blessings!
If a 20 year old girl is getting married…stop the presses. We tell her she's making a mistake. She's throwing her life away, there's no way she's ready for that kind of commitment.
Am I the only one who sees the problem here?!
No shame in believing that people should commit to each other, before committing to another person together. None here, anyway. If and when we DECIDE to have kids - it will be a purposeful decision two prospective parents come to, together.

*zero hate on, well, anyone, but definitely not single moms. Sometimes shitty shit happens, I know that.

Pajama Party

Christmas Day is a huge deal with my family. We nicknamed my mom "Captain Christmas." Every year on Black Friday, we'd decorate my parents HUGE house. Tons of lights and at it's best, 27 - yes, 27! - inflatables decorating the yard. It was one of those houses people brought their kids and lovers to see. My dad LOVED it.

In early December 2011, the house stood stark and un-festive. Without my dad, no one had the heart or strength to get Christmas Wonderland going. Until one weekend. The neighbors showed up with their kids. They knew why the house lay bare. With their help - people we barely knew - we did a pretty good job bringing Christmas back to the 108. Their kindness still brings me to tears.

In the following week, many people contacted me to tell me how happy they were to see The Ponderosa decked out in holiday gear once again. My heart grew three sizes, for sure.
The following year, in the fall of 2012, we said goodbye to my childhood home. 5,000 square feet is too much for one woman drowning in loneliness, and years of happy memories were forever tarnished by my father dying there.
Christmas that year was different. "Crammed" into mom's new "tiny" townhouse (2,000 square feet plus a finished walk-out basement - some downsize! Lol!) and some family fall-outs meant fewer people in this strange new place. Perfect time to introduce my new boyfriend to the family, right? HA!
*oh yeah. So Christmas Day. We have this tradition. Everyone wears pajamas. We're there to eat, relax, play games, laugh. We do it in comfort! Over the years, typically my sister and I have worn matching jammies. We started including my mom with this too. It's just a fun thing we do, yes it's corny but it's us. One year an aunt actually wore a replica of the bunny suit from A Christmas Story. Cute!
So Christmas 2012, mom Jen & I have on our matching jammies. Adam shows up after work and heads upstairs to change. He joins us downstairs for Bingo…

He was a HIT! My family loved this silly man. He fit right in. It was a tough holiday for us all, so much change, and he joined in, lightened the mood, broke the tension, and melted everyone's heart. I was asked to bring him back the next year, no matter what - little did anyone know we'd be back the next year in our own matching clothes as Mr. & Mrs.

That day, December 25, 2012, I knew it was love. I remember the moment it hit me - I love him. I'm keeping him forever.

My hero. 

Family

This was my second Thanksgiving with Adam's family. (We've been together for three, actually, but had been dating about 5 minutes the first year and as such, I politely declined 😳.)  We also spend Christmas Eve and Easter Sunday with his family, plus summer barbecue-worthy holidays at his brother's pool. They have welcomed me with open arms from day one. His mom and brothers were telling him to "hurry up and marry that girl" from the beginning. They interact extremely different than my family and are entirely different type of people, but I love them and they love me. Tonight when I left my brother-in-law's house, there was zero sense of awkwardness or obligation with the goodbye hugs (despite Adam's "go hug your ________" to which my MIL said - Stop saying that, she's not rude and we like hugging her, she's not like that other one. Lol). My niece, who like my nephew is a bit shy, came right up for a hug and without thinking, I gave her a kiss.

That's when I realized - this is my family.  I married into a wonderful group of people and by now, the "married into" part is a non-issue. It's Mom & Dad, brothers & sister, niece & nephew. They are my family.

And for this, I am thankful. 

It's a Boy!

I've always been glad Miss Piggy loves Adam, and vice versa of course! I told you what my dad had to say about men and cats. Piggs is an excellent judge of character as well.

But one cat? Only one? Complete malarkey. Just had to get husband on board. Yada yada yada…fast forward to last Monday. Someone had won something in NASCAR so Outback was giving away Bloomin' Onions (that free $4 appetizer cost us like  $60 so there's a bargain). Right by our closest Outback is a Petsmart. We stopped in to pick up the eco-friendly disposable biodegradable litter boxes we use. And there they were…cages of adorable cats. I'm not sure what Adam thought would happen when he suggested we go in the enclosure to meet some kitties!

I'd wanted to adopt an older cat, a sad case, maybe one who'd been at the shelter a long time. Hobo seemed like just the guy (had to be a male - Miss Piggy is a princess and we all know females rule in the animal world!). He was a goofy boy with what looked like the kitty equivalent of a cleft palate. I loved his little "deformity!" 

But then "Oreo" came out of his cage. He jumped up & purred like a motor immediately. A five month old black & white kitten, he was NOT what I had in mind! Then I saw him in my husband's arms, snuggling & purring. And so we filled out the application. We had to jump through some hoops - like personal and vet references as well as getting Piggs up to date on vaccines (I've never vaccinated indoor cats, what's the point? I BAWLED at the vet when she cried!). Then, Friday night, we brought our little guy home :) 

Adam named him Stache, obviously for his adorable little half-(Hitler)mustache.

It's been an adjustment for all of us especially Miss Piggy, but when he wakes me up at 4am trying to crawl into my skin or Adam laughs "hun you gotta see this!" while playing with him…it's all good. 

Stay tuned for news of our next addition :)

Death Is Easy; It's This Dying Shit That Sucks

Warning: this is a ridiculously long post. There is nothing that can be edited out and quite honestly, this doesn't even begin to tell the story in my heart.

My dad was truly a hell of a guy. I will forever be saddened that my husband never had the pleasure of meeting him - they would have absolutely loved each other. Frank didn't have the best background - we won't get into that. People change, and love changes people. And, ah, the love between him and my mother was something out of a movie, only better. He literally turned his life around for her and accepted, actually LOVED, her two daughters. He came into my life when I was 8 years old and I was not thrilled to have him there. Unbothered, he coached my soccer teams, umpired my softball games, attended every holiday concert, cheered on the sidelines of every field hockey and lacrosse game, and interrogated every boyfriend. He filled the Father role in a way my uninterested biological male parent never could. I learned later that upon meeting me, over a year into their courtship, he simply told my mother, "That girl needs a lot of love." And so he loved.

Frank made friends with everyone. Delivery men, friends' parents, other kids, anyone he came across was made to feel important. If you said you liked hot air balloons, Frank read every book about hot air balloons he could find so he could talk to you about it. That's another thing - Frank read EVERYTHING. Preferred history, but would read the back of a cereal box if that's all he had. Crazy because he also remembered everything he read. He was the smartest man I ever knew.
And oh man, did he love my mom. Truly, madly, deeply, passionately, unconditionally, with every fiber of his being did he love my mother. They made Noah and Allie look mildly interested in each other. They set the most amazing example of what marriage should be and that is the reason I ended each unfulfilling relationship. My mom would always tell me, I hope you find your Frank. She cried tears of joy the day I told her I did find my Frank and I was going to marry him one day.
In the summer of 2010, Frank began experiencing back pain. At age 65, this was pretty normal! Especially considering he took care of a 5,000 square foot house and kept the in-ground pool and surrounding area meticulously perfect. His family doctor tried painkillers, shots, all the routine stuff. Nothing helped. Desperate, my mother  begged the doctor, Please do something, he's dying and I know it.

She was right. When a wonderful surgeon at Jefferson University Hospital did exploratory diagnostic surgery on January 12, 2011, she found a cancer that had metastasized throughout his entire gastrointestinal tract and progressed into his blood. After hours of removing as much disease as she could, she took us into a small room to give it to us straight: it was bad, Stage 4 Pancreatic, radiation was not an option and chemotherapy would maybe buy him some time, but she predicted 6 months at the most.

Talk about devastating. Unless you've heard a diagnosis like that about someone you love, you can't understand.

The next three months are a blur. Visits to Jeff. Medications. Home nurse. All-day chemo treatments. And then the big one: calling hospice. He had two or three chemo treatments, one of which landed him back in the hospital for a week. He deteriorated rapidly before our eyes. This jolly, vibrant man wasted away. The living room became a hospital. I spent those days spending time with him, watching the Phillies, talking, drinking tea, pretending this wasn't happening. I didn't accept it in my heart. One Sunday, my sister and I sat down to tell him: It will be ok, we will take care of mom. We were 27 and 32 at the time. Heartbroken and defeated he asked us, But who will take care of you?

 On Saturday, April 9, 2011, Frank moved out of his hospital bed to sit on the couch and watch a ball game with me. He slept through most of it, missing catcher Carlos Ruiz's grand slam. It was the last time he would leave that bed. Sunday, his pain worsened. I drove to the only pharmacy that had the morphine he needed and cried to the pharmacist - after raging at her for asking if I really needed that medicine right away. We asked and Nancy, the angel hospice nurse, told us the truth: it would be a few days. Monday morning, I went on a job interview I have no recollection of...then straight to my parents' house. In a complete fog, we went to the funeral home and made arrangements knowing we'd need them soon. Friends and family visited and Frank mostly slept. I'll spare you the truly ugly, undignified details. A pump was installed to his port that gave continuous IV painkillers as he was unable to swallow. I layed on an air mattress in the living room, watching him breathe.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011 around 8:30 am, I was lying on the couch watching the morning news next to my dad's hospital bed. My mom came over and asked me to please check because she was pretty sure he was gone. So I did...and he was. I called the funeral home as I'd been instructed..."Hi you told me to call...my dad died. What do I do now." The worst phone call to ever make! We sat around his bed talking to him until it was time to say goodbye.

In those three months, my dad accepted his fate. He knew this one had him beat. He discussed his wishes with my mom. I'm not sure what if anything transpired between him and my sister. The night I cried on his shoulder, silently mourning, he said "Buck up kiddo. You're going to be great." He loved me when I was unlovable and gave me the greatest gift.

"Death is easy...it's this dying shit that sucks."

RIP Frank M. Sellers, 2.1.45 - 4.12.11

you're stardust now